When you get on the Bus, and your Oyster card beeps twice and displays “Not Enough Money” then please don’t go into a big story about how you’ve “just put a fiver on mate”.

The reason I say this is because I don’t think many people realise that I can get a little printout about your Beloved little blue card.

It will tell me how much Pre Balance if left, What sort of Travelcard or Bus Pass is stored on the card, The Zones it’s valid for and the expiry date. It will also tell me the last 8 journeys you have made.

But the most important bit that goes with this tale is that I can see the last 3 topups you’ve made, How much for and the date you topped up.

Now that you know all this, When your Oyster beeps at you because it’s empty, Please just hand over two quid. Many Thanks.

Thursday at 8:35am….

Old lady gets on the bus and produces a Freedom (OAP) Pass.

Ticket Machines Beeps and displays “Not valid at this time of day”.

Me: Sorry It’s too early to use your pass.

OAP: And?!

Me: Well you will have to either pay the £2 fare or get off and wait until after 9am.

OAP: But I’m only going to Harrow (3 stops)

Me: Yes but It’s way before 9am so you won’t be able to use your pass.

OAP: So you are chucking me off the bus then?

Me: No, I’m telling you that if you want to travel before 9am then you will need to pay £2.

OAP: So you ARE chucking me off the bus, and you are going to make me wait out there in the rain?!

Me: Well if you are refusing to pay the £2 fare, then yes, you will need to get off the bus.

OAP: Mutters n Groans

Me: My dear, Noone held a gun to you head and told you you had to catch the bus shopping at 8:30 in the morning,

OAP: F*** You!

That was the highlight of my day on Thursday

Annoying things passengers ask when on buses:

1. “What Happened to the last bus?”

Why would I know?! Here I am driving my big red tin can on wheels, Not the one in front, not the one behind, Not the number 82 to Finchley, I’m driving THIS BUS and this bus only. Why is it so hard for people to understand that I don’t know the whereabouts of every bus at every minute?

2. [Bus sitting in Traffic Jam] “How longs this gonna take mate?”

One second I’ll just get my Crystal Ball out and let you know, Or better yet I’ll activate hover bus mode and will just go round the traffic.

3. “I’ve been standing here for over an hour”

Really?!? Well if that was the case on a route that runs every 10 minutes my bus would be bursting at the seams, Yet in fact all we have is two old dears and a mother with a buggy on board.. How odd!

4. “What time does the [Insert any other route than the bus I’m driving] go?”

Time for that crystal ball again, Or of course you could actually read the timetable your leaning against. I drive the same route backwards n forwards 3 times a day, day in day out. I don’t drive other routes, either with the company I work for or Metroline’s, First’s or even Arriva’s. If I could memorize every timetable in the area I’d be on Mastermind or something. Please don’t get arsey when I don’t know.

5. “Can I get off here mate?”

Err no sorry this is a Traffic Light/Roundabout/Zebra Crossing/Roadworks, It is not a Bus Stop, If it was there would be a great big pole sticking out the ground with BUS STOP on it. Now please go sit down and I’ll open the doors at the next stop.

6. “I’ve got a pass, Do you want to see it?”

Yes please, I do not have X-Ray vision. That means I can’t see through your wallet/purse/coat/handbag. If I didn’t need to see it then TfL/The Council wouldn’t bother issuing passes and the Bus would be a Free for all.

I’m Listening to:

Saturday was a day of pictures…